It happens to almost everyone, at some point or another. You react to a situation in your life, the best way you know how to at the time, and then somewhere down the road, it hits you. The way you reacted was possibly not the best. When you get that sinking feeling in your gut, the knowledge your actions were less than stellar, how do you handle it? Do you keep going moving ahead with confidence, unwilling to let the uneasy feeling get you down? Or do you take a moment to reflect on your actions, hoping to gain a new perspective? I am at that cross-roads right now. I know that I made a hasty decision amid a storm of painful and emotional chaos, and I am taking this moment to reflect.
Its funny how an individual can grow and mature when given the right circumstances. Years ago I wouldn't even pause at this moment, even knowing I may have been wrong. I'd smooth it over and keep going. I don't know why it's different now, I don't feel like I'm a totally changed person. Yet here I am, still paused, still searching for the way I can re-write the path I made for myself.
The wrong I committed, while not life threatening or completely evil, ultimately consumes me more with each passing minute. It must be the guilt that I cannot shake. I can explain it pretty simply I believe. Picture me in a medium sized rowboat. Now picture a bunch of people crammed onto that boat with me. Over the years, I've pushed certain people out of that boat. I've never regretted those losses. Those who've used me, stepped on me, and even a few who abused me, all shoved into the water. It takes a lot, a huge amount of stress, for me to toss someone overboard, it isn't something I do lightly. However, recently there were a few events so painful, so achingly cruel, that instead of pulling people closer in order to help deal with that pain, I think I pushed out harder. It was like a tiny explosion actually. I rocked the boat so violently, I ended up pushing just about everyone out. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time! The less people near me, the less people to hurt me, right?
There it is. That 'seemed right at the time' moment was actually the big wrong. There are people I threw into the water, that never should have gotten wet in the first place. A few of those lost souls have actually always had my best interests at heart, even when I was too blind to completely see it. So, at this new cross-roads, or cross-rivers, to fit the theme, how do I pull a few people back into my little ship of fools? Is it as easy as reaching out a hand? I'm not sure that it is, but then again I'm not sure that I've ever rocked the boat this hard. If I threw out a life preserver now, would anyone take it?
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