Who really needs Sleep anyway?

There is something odd in the relationship between mental instability and sleep. Well, there is with me anyhow. I wouldn't say I'm seriously mentally unhinged (well I wouldn't, but I'm sure there is someone out there who'd insert a snarky comment) but yet, here I sit at just about one am. I do this every night. I avoid sleep until my eyes just about stage their own strike and close involuntarily. Some nights I've fought it longer than others, but in the end all it really does is guaranty me to be exhausted the next day. I tell myself 'tonight will be different' and 'Tonight I will go to sleep earlier' but yet I never do. I'm somewhat content in dragging my weary self through the day, dependant on caffeine, and the necessity of keeping small children from harm's way as my only motivation to remain conscious.

Yet as I sit here, typing out these late night thoughts, I realize it will not change anything. For whatever reason, in my not so perfect psyche, I like this cycle of sleep deprivation. I like having this late late night time, to think, to watch obscure tv shows, to chat about everything and nothing with Keri. Its when I feel most useful, even if I'm doing nothing remotely productive. I daydream about vampires while catching up on facebook. I plot the next night's supper as I read through posts on my messageboards. And every so often, inspiration hits, and I can work on one of my many creative projects, all while being plugged in to my little piece of cyberspace.

As much as my husband would disagree, this lifestyle I've gotten myself into goes much deeper than a simple addiction to the Internet. Actually, while I was deprived of Internet access for over a year, I found many many ways to stay awake just as much. Some nights I'd just zone out with a solitaire game on my cell phone. Other nights I'd read until the early morning hours. I missed the Internet but only because of how much more productive it made me feel, even if the end result was the same. The nights after I was introduced to the Twilight series were the worst. I read those books till almost dawn sometimes, far surpassing the time I'd ever spend on the net at night!

This is my 'me' time ladies and gentlemen. Some people spend it on a hobby such as bowling nights, or other sports. Some people gamble or drink. Others have their book clubs or parenting clubs. I have cyberspace. This is my world to express the inner me, and why not do it when I am at my best? These precious hours after the kids are asleep, after my husband is asleep, and there is no one to answer to. I miss sleep, sometimes, but 'me' time is phenomenally more important. Like I heard once, years ago "I can sleep when I'm dead".