Nobody's Girl

Once, quite a long time ago, Michelle Wright's song "Nobody's Girl" was a tune with which I identified with immensely. Most particularily the chorus, which, for those who are not familiar, goes like this: ........ "She's nobody's girl, she walks this road alone, nobody's girl, she knows she's on her own in this world... She's some kind of devil, some kind of saint. And if her hands are dirty, well her spirit aint." .......... Well, that was me then. I thought I'd stay nobody's girl till I was old and grey, I had such bizarre luck with men. Then I met Jon. At that point I finally figured I was shedding the nobody's girl persona. We had kids, we got married, certainly I was somebody's girl now! Like all things in life however, change works its way into every situation. That brings us to the present. Sure I'm Jon's girl now, his wife, mother of his children, so why does Nobody's Girl play through my head with increasing frequency these days?

I love him, I love my kids, I even really love the woman I've grown into. Problem is, Jon doesnt love the woman I've become. This new woman doesnt clean enough for him. She doesnt spend enough time with him, listening to his day, his problems, his successes. She doesnt take care of the kids well enough, do enough stuff around the house by herself without asking for help. She is on her computer too much, her phone too much, in her own little world too much. So Jon thinks, with enough 'helpful' criticizm, this new woman will change into something he's more comfortable with. Problem. What if I do not want to change? That's the thing however, this entire time I HAVE been changing! Certainly I am not even a shadow of the young girl who fell in love with a handsome and charming guy many years ago. I have young kids to think of, along with my own sanity to continue saving.

He wants us to spend more time together, but who wants to spend time with someone who always has an ulterior motive? How can I cuddle and do all the things a wife is supposed to do if I know I'm not really the one he wants to be doing those things with? He wants to plan playdates for me, he wants to tell me when I should be logging out of the computer, even when I should be going to bed. There's the next problem. The more he tries to tighten the reigns of control, the further I want to run, and the frequency increases of those haunting lyrics "She knows she's on her own in this world..." Well I know I dont want to be alone, but I certainly dont want someone to mold me for their own benefit. What's a former Nobody's Girl supposed to do?