Nobody's Girl

Once, quite a long time ago, Michelle Wright's song "Nobody's Girl" was a tune with which I identified with immensely. Most particularily the chorus, which, for those who are not familiar, goes like this: ........ "She's nobody's girl, she walks this road alone, nobody's girl, she knows she's on her own in this world... She's some kind of devil, some kind of saint. And if her hands are dirty, well her spirit aint." .......... Well, that was me then. I thought I'd stay nobody's girl till I was old and grey, I had such bizarre luck with men. Then I met Jon. At that point I finally figured I was shedding the nobody's girl persona. We had kids, we got married, certainly I was somebody's girl now! Like all things in life however, change works its way into every situation. That brings us to the present. Sure I'm Jon's girl now, his wife, mother of his children, so why does Nobody's Girl play through my head with increasing frequency these days?

I love him, I love my kids, I even really love the woman I've grown into. Problem is, Jon doesnt love the woman I've become. This new woman doesnt clean enough for him. She doesnt spend enough time with him, listening to his day, his problems, his successes. She doesnt take care of the kids well enough, do enough stuff around the house by herself without asking for help. She is on her computer too much, her phone too much, in her own little world too much. So Jon thinks, with enough 'helpful' criticizm, this new woman will change into something he's more comfortable with. Problem. What if I do not want to change? That's the thing however, this entire time I HAVE been changing! Certainly I am not even a shadow of the young girl who fell in love with a handsome and charming guy many years ago. I have young kids to think of, along with my own sanity to continue saving.

He wants us to spend more time together, but who wants to spend time with someone who always has an ulterior motive? How can I cuddle and do all the things a wife is supposed to do if I know I'm not really the one he wants to be doing those things with? He wants to plan playdates for me, he wants to tell me when I should be logging out of the computer, even when I should be going to bed. There's the next problem. The more he tries to tighten the reigns of control, the further I want to run, and the frequency increases of those haunting lyrics "She knows she's on her own in this world..." Well I know I dont want to be alone, but I certainly dont want someone to mold me for their own benefit. What's a former Nobody's Girl supposed to do?

Who really needs Sleep anyway?

There is something odd in the relationship between mental instability and sleep. Well, there is with me anyhow. I wouldn't say I'm seriously mentally unhinged (well I wouldn't, but I'm sure there is someone out there who'd insert a snarky comment) but yet, here I sit at just about one am. I do this every night. I avoid sleep until my eyes just about stage their own strike and close involuntarily. Some nights I've fought it longer than others, but in the end all it really does is guaranty me to be exhausted the next day. I tell myself 'tonight will be different' and 'Tonight I will go to sleep earlier' but yet I never do. I'm somewhat content in dragging my weary self through the day, dependant on caffeine, and the necessity of keeping small children from harm's way as my only motivation to remain conscious.

Yet as I sit here, typing out these late night thoughts, I realize it will not change anything. For whatever reason, in my not so perfect psyche, I like this cycle of sleep deprivation. I like having this late late night time, to think, to watch obscure tv shows, to chat about everything and nothing with Keri. Its when I feel most useful, even if I'm doing nothing remotely productive. I daydream about vampires while catching up on facebook. I plot the next night's supper as I read through posts on my messageboards. And every so often, inspiration hits, and I can work on one of my many creative projects, all while being plugged in to my little piece of cyberspace.

As much as my husband would disagree, this lifestyle I've gotten myself into goes much deeper than a simple addiction to the Internet. Actually, while I was deprived of Internet access for over a year, I found many many ways to stay awake just as much. Some nights I'd just zone out with a solitaire game on my cell phone. Other nights I'd read until the early morning hours. I missed the Internet but only because of how much more productive it made me feel, even if the end result was the same. The nights after I was introduced to the Twilight series were the worst. I read those books till almost dawn sometimes, far surpassing the time I'd ever spend on the net at night!

This is my 'me' time ladies and gentlemen. Some people spend it on a hobby such as bowling nights, or other sports. Some people gamble or drink. Others have their book clubs or parenting clubs. I have cyberspace. This is my world to express the inner me, and why not do it when I am at my best? These precious hours after the kids are asleep, after my husband is asleep, and there is no one to answer to. I miss sleep, sometimes, but 'me' time is phenomenally more important. Like I heard once, years ago "I can sleep when I'm dead".