Open Wounds

As I go through life feeling rather invincible and indestructible, I've made choices accordingly. The would-be fatal shots glance off my thick skin like rubber bullets on asphalt. I can tell they hit, but they don't slow me down. It seems like a lifetime has passed, but it's a much shorter reality. Suddenly that thick skin I once counted on for protection starts to show its wear. It thins out to the point where I learn of my mortality in a heartbeat, a burst of light and emotion unlike anything comparable. The invincibility is gone in that same heartbeat. I know it is gone. I force myself to look at my skin, hands once seemingly made of impenetrable rock, now glowing warm and soft to the touch. Those blows that were once easily deflected would most certainly be critical now. The idea of switching gears from immortality to self-preservation is a daunting one. How do you go from care-free to careful in mere moments?

I slow right down, from a run to a crawl, wondering what this new and alarming change is all about. Surely I cant just go on living life normally, as I've always done? I cant trust the same people, make the same choices, deflect the same blows with indifference? Its frighteningly apparent that my feelings and emotions are more tangible now. Where pain was once an abstract thought to consider, it is now a gut-wrenching bolt of electricity. That sudden jolt shakes me to my core. I cant be in pain. Its not possible. All those previous hits I took, I was invincible right? Yet this pain is sharp and piercing, it has me breathless.

I look down at my chest and abs, expecting flawlessness as always. Instead of that former image of perfection, I find several deep healed over scars, and several more which are still bleeding. I drop to my knees in horror. How did I get here? How did I end up so completely damaged without even realizing it? Survival instincts run very deep in my veins, and even in my disbelieving state, they kick into gear. Its not even the discovery of these very painful wounds that has now slowed me down. On the contrary, I now have to figure out how to move forward, wounded, in this new skin. I have to adjust my actions accordingly, to avoid any future blow that could prove fatal. Now there is a new sensation to deal with besides pain, and that is one of fear. I have never feared the unknown before. I never had any reason to.

So this is where I am right now. Even as I know my wounds are healing, the fear of developing new ones has me frozen in time. Analysing the past only seems to open the lacerations further, and even my scars ache in protest at that train of thought. I will move forward however, somehow, I'm nothing if not determined. I look around the new landscape of desolation for other survivors, for a small sliver of hope, something to motivate me forward. "I'm still here!" I scream, at no one in particular. That is the motivation, I realize with sudden clarity. That is what will drive me forward, even blind. I'm still here.

Messageboard Thinkin'

(sing to the tune of Drinkin' Thinkin' by George Canyon)

See that post over there? Its got everyone hot.
You cant help but respond, its a battle that must be fought.
But if you're proven wrong,
you'll just change the tune of your song.

That's just Messageboard thinkin'
Online logic can make you ill
Your braincells expandin', till you believe you're Dr. Phil
And here's where the trouble starts,
The more you post the better you think you are.

From this computer, its fair to say
I see this stuff every day.
A mom with a newborn will challenge mom of 5 to a fight.
Or the few with more time, will jump on the board
trolling and cussing using words like a sword.

That's just Messsageboard thinkin'
Online logic can make you ill
Your braincells expandin', till you believe you're Dr. Phil
And here's where the trouble starts,
The more you post the better you think you are.

{Spoken} See your post count go up by the minute

That's just Messageboard thinkin'
Online logic can make you ill
Your braincells expandin' till you believe you're Dr. Phil
And here's where the trouble starts,
The more you post the better you think you are.
Ah the bigger and badder, smarter and better mama you think you are!

{spoken} You better switch to facebook, girl!

Truth Telling Day

I nominate today as Truth Telling Day. Honestly I don't care if anyone else wants to tell the truth or not, but I've been keeping so many toxic secrets for so many years, it is finally time to lay all my cards down on the table. They are the very definition of toxic, because keeping these things inside has kept me from moving on, kept me from getting to a healthy perspective once again. So here I go, and I offer no disclaimer for the things I am about to divulge.

(in a rare burst of humanity, I have partially obscured the names for my own peace of mind)

A#1: I am thoroughly disgusted with you. You claim to be such a wonderful friend, fiercely loyal and other such bullshit. Yet a simple request to obtain a copy of a video of Jon and I together is denied for no logical reason whatsoever. You know full well that Jon and I have been having problems, and what a treasure a short video clip of us laughing together could mean to me, but instead you'd delete it before I could share it or even copy it for myself. I admit that even though you've done pointlessly idiotic things like this in the past, that I could have eventually gotten past it. Why I refuse to get past, or even try to become friends again, is your support of a convicted child abuser. The worst part is that she's not even a repentant child abuser!

A#2: There is no way on earth, that I could ever forgive your past sins, and I don't care how much you try to pimp the idea of your traumatic 'head injury' around to your friends.

C: You were an asshole way back when, and I should have stuck with that opinion instead of believing your apologies and claims of being a 'different person'. How was I to know it was a huge show just so you could sleep with my best friend? I guess I should have gotten a clue when you took advantage of my loneliness to start sending me erotic texts, describing how much you fantasized about sleeping with me. All while claiming to be my best friend's 'boyfriend' and my husband's 'best friend'. I feel much more informed now, as to the 'real' you, so thanks for that!

J: You've never tried to hid the fact that you want to sleep with me, and while I don't mind harmless flirting, I took serious offense to the fact that you actually told people we DID sleep together, when in fact we have never. Then there were the nights you dragged me out drinking, in an attempt to get me drunk enough to follow you home, even though my wedding was mere weeks away. I am just sorry that I didn't figure out your intentions before you tried to kiss me. Then there was the "No way I cant STAND babies" comment, directed towards my newborn daughter being held out to you to hold. Is it REALLY a wonder why I removed you from my friends list??

P: To say we were ever friends is laughable, because I find it hard to believe anyone with your ego can actually make room for true friends. You can make mistakes all over the place, be brash and rude, yet it should be all good. However heaven forbid anyone else make a mistake and own up to it, because that is the time to really let them have it, right? That's when its all okay to tell them what you REALLY think of them. However, if not for those moments, I might never know what you actually think of me, and I am grateful to know the truth now, so that you no longer have to pretend around me!

R: best friends with benefits... or was that roommates with benefits, when it was convenient for you anyway. When I was self-destructing, depressed, feeling alone, you could very happily ignore me. Or, my personal favorite, during the lowest point in my life, yelling "Grow up!" at me from your room to mine. Fast forward a few years, and now the only thing I am good for is babysitting your kid for free! Isn't that just the best, and I kept agreeing because of how much I love kids all the while deluding myself thinking we're friends and I'm NOT being used! I've tried to remain friends with all my exes, because I have always believed that someone worth being intimate with, is worth having as a friend. I have since started re-thinking that belief.