Drinking and Driving

I am a mom on a mission today. Everywhere I post I am going to bring up the drunk driving debate. I cannot believe how people can still make such a tragic mistake. My husband lost an employee last night, who decided to drink and then get behind the wheel of his car. His friend begged him not to. I think it was a case of "It cant happen to me" syndrome. And because of that, he now becomes yet another statistic. The blessing in this case was that this misguided twenty something didn't take anyone else along for the fatal ride OR collide with an innocent along the way. How is it that the message of 'drinking and driving kills' still falls on deaf ears? Why are people still losing loved ones from something that is one hundred percent preventable? Imagine the horror that emergency personnel go through when arriving at the scenes of such horrific fatalities. What must go through their minds, when it becomes apparent the piles of twisted metal and limbs could have been avoided.

When I was a teenager in high school, the best drinking and driving campaign I've ever witnessed was waged in my own school. Approximately every 15 minutes, someone dies from an alcohol-related collision. So every fifteen minutes, for one day, a student would show up to class, face painted white, with some degree of fake blood & ripped clothing. Those students would remain silent the rest of the day, a representation of a drunk driving victim. It was powerful. By the end of the day about a quarter of our school's moderate population was walking around as pale-faced zombies. I will never forget it.

But really, does everyone need such shock treatment? I find it hard to believe that there are people out there who DONT know anyone affected by drinking and driving. My own parents were run off the road one snowy winter night by someone suspected of being intoxicated. Thankfully they were only shaken and not seriously hurt, but it could have been a lot different.

When we host a gathering where alcohol is consumed, we ALWAYS make sure there are designated drivers, and that people who wish to drink have the option of staying the night. I know it is not always possible to convince an intoxicated person that they should hand over their keys, BUT anyone who would insist on driving drunk is NO ONE I would invite back. It is not worth it.

So today, yet again, there will be a community in mourning. Many frustrated people, like myself, once again wondering when everyone will finally get the message. Driving while intoxicated is DEADLY. How many more people need to be lost in order to get that painful point across? My heart goes out to that young man's friends and family.

Marriage

Well I haven't had much of a chance to write anything in the past week or so. That is mostly because there are certain things I have come to count on in my life. The first is the unexpected. The second is marriage problems. The unexpected (but sweet) part of the last few weeks was the extended visits that my friend's kids made to my house. The three of them are growing up so fast, they are 15, 13, and 11 now, and I've known them since they were 4, 2, and newborn! It was great to have extra kids here. For some reason, I tend to thrive when extra children are added to my list of responsibilities! I don't quite understand that, but I'm not knocking it! That second part of my last few weeks is less than cheerful, although not even the smallest bit of a surprise. Marriage problems. I wonder if there are any couples out there who could proclaim they don't have a single marital issue to argue over. If so, it must be nice. Given that no two people are exactly alike, I doubt that a problem-free marriage exists.

Our problem 'Du jour' so to speak, is quality time. My husbands opinion of quality time together vastly differs from my own. I would love the occasional 'date night' without children, to unwind in an adult setting, a movie, maybe some dinner, time to reconnect without the daily strife of child-rearing 3 youngsters. If however that kind of evening is what I wish, it is up to ME to find a reliable babysitter, it is up to ME to budget the funds needed, it is up to ME to make any and all special arrangements and organize them (tickets, reservations, etc.) For our special valentine's day dinner, that is exactly what I did. That is the LAST time we've been out together as a child-free couple. My darling husband expects that if we are going to spend time together, it is me who will make all the sacrifices, and he who just gets to 'participate'.

I'm not sure he really GETS just what responsibilities a stay-at-home-mom already takes on, but lately an attitude I dislike has surfaced with him. He has taken on an aire of authority in our relationship, where suddenly my moods and socialization habits have to be justified by him. He is obsessed with the fact that I spend time online, to unwind after a long day chatting with other mothers. He has even gone so far as to blame the Internet for our marriage problems. I tend to disagree, since we have only had Internet access back a few weeks, and in our almost three years of marriage, have never NOT had problems of one sort or other.

So here I am again, on the Internet, trying to sort out all the mysteries of a happy marriage without actually talking to my husband about it. At this point I'm wondering if most men are even built for the complexities of a good marriage. Are there men out there who can form a true partnership with women, who's opinions are both equal and valid at all times? I know that at this point in my life, I do NOT need a 'parent'. Someone to tell me what I can and cannot do is irrelevant, since I have a long history of rebelling against authority figures. I can already see the rebellion starting. Quite possibly it's already in its infancy, therefore explaining why our issues seem to be growing rather than shrinking. One thing I know for certain is that I am a strong and capable woman. If its necessary, I will do this whole parenting small children job on my own. I will not lose my independence or voice simply because of my current SAHM position.

I love my husband. However I have decided that if he does not love me enough to work a way through our problems, a way that doesn't have either of us losing who we are as individuals, then maybe this particular marriage isn't worth saving. Stay tuned, this is definitely a continuing saga!

That Little Pink Bachelor House

Years and years ago, I made the unwitting decision to become a part of a house full of men. I was just shy of turning 22, and was smitten with the carefree guy who asked me to join him as a roommate. Of course hindsight tells me now that agreeing to become the roommate of someone you are crushing on is decision making at its worst! Nevertheless, I followed my heart instead of my head, and embarked on yet another in a series of lifestyle changes. I figured, perhaps foolishly, that if I could travel across Canada and start a new life by myself, there wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Then I became roommates with Rob (my crush), Phil (a friend), and Jon (a stranger). It was an odd foursome to say the least. Rob was a ladies man and confirmed bachelor. Phil was married but separated. Jon was a new father. As for me, well, I was just as odd as the rest of them, so I figured I fit right in! For awhile, while everyone settled and got to know each other, things seemed just about perfect. We did what any normal bachelor house would do. Threw parties every few weekends for no reason, let dishes pile up in the sink and on the counter till nary a clean one could be found, had music playing at all hours, it was a relatively simple life. I also grew somewhat content with my friends with benefits relationship that living with Rob seemed to create. Then "The Change" happened. A friend of Jon's came to stay at the house, bunking in his room. It was easy to see, right from the start, that for whatever reason Chris did NOT like me. It was in his attitude, his mannerisms, his looks, he just did not like me being in that house. Ironic to me, really, since HE was the newbie in my eyes. I kept reminding myself that he was just a house guest, we had lots of house guests come and go, and he would eventually go.

Boy was I in for a rude surprise. Phil and his estranged wife started making amends to their relationship. Then there was talk of him moving out. All of a sudden I was confronted by Rob and Jon, asking me would I mind if they asked Chris to move in permanently. Well HELL YES I minded! I knew from the moment he had 'permanent' status in the house that life would become unbearable for me. But how could I say no? I knew we needed a fourth person to afford to keep the house, and where else would we all go? So I grudgingly agreed. They promised me Chris wouldn't be a problem. They promised he'd be on his best behaviour toward me. They were wrong.

He got his own room, right above my basement one. I think maybe one second had passed after he'd gotten the last of his things into his room before his stereo kicked in, with the volume loud enough to rattle everything on my shelves. That was just the beginning. What followed soon after was a six month battle of wills. I fought with Chris, I fought with my feelings towards Rob, and I fought with my own growing depression. At one point or another I lost all three battles, which landed me a very brief stay in the hospital. It was only after being medicated to help fight off the overwhelming demons of depression that I began to regain my perspective. My happiness was NOT worth losing to keep the other three in the house. They'd just have to figure something out without me. I made arrangements to move out, to Vancouver no less, to become a live-in Nanny. I figured, if I could survive a year with three single guys, I could certainly take care of three kids!

So I left. I took the lessons learned along with many MANY stories and memories, and definitely not all bad ones. Also, for those keeping track, that former roommate of mine, Jon, is now my husband and father of my three beautiful children. I think everyone needs a little pink house in their past to look back on! Some day I may write a book ;)

Magic Card Mayhem

On a typical morning, when my husband has a 12pm to 8pm work shift, he gets up with the kids. This is mostly because of my love of sleeping late, his love for me, and so that the kids get some Daddy time because they'll be asleep when he gets home. Every other week he works this shift, and at least once or twice I offer to get up, so that he may enjoy the fulfillment of a few extra hours of zzz's. Today was supposed to be one of those mornings. To my pleasant surprise, the kids slept in till 8am, making my morning quite a bit less groggy. Still, as semi-alert as I happened to be, as I took the kids into the living room for their morning diaper changes, I missed a crucial detail as I passed through the kitchen. Even though that small detail was missed by me, it did NOT get missed by my toddlers. Hannah, the first to be done with her diaper change, happily returned to the kitchen while I focused my attention on changing Hailey. Then my darling 4 1/2 yr old pipes up:

"Look what Hannah did!"



I hate those four words with a passion. Those four words never mean anything positive. Its never "Look, Hannah put her toys away!" or "Hannah dressed herself!" No, those four words always mean Hannah has managed to UNdo something. So upon going into the kitchen to inspect the damage, I assumed I'd be looking at the contents of one cupboard or another magically spread out across the laminate floor. This morning I was in for a new surprise however, and it DID happen to be a magical one, also it happened to be entirely my husband's fault!



My husband plays a card game called Magic. He and his friends have played it for years. In those years, they have amassed a very large collection of cards. From time to time, usually a night or two before they are about to get together to play the game, my husband will bring out his cards. After the kids are in bed, he'll sit at the table, arranging particular cards into various piles that they call 'decks'. These decks are usually no less than 100 cards in size, and can get a fair bit larger from what I've seen of his organization. You would think that, after this carefully designed organizational routine, my dear husband would then put these piles and piles of thoughtful consideration into a safe spot at the end of the night. Safe, as far as Magic cards go, is NOT the kitchen table. In fact the kitchen table has not been a safe spot for anything other than indestructible plastic since both Hannah and Hailey learned to scale it like a mountain a few months back. Can you see where this is going? Would you like a visual aid?

This is just a little bit more extreme than a game of 52 card pick-up. It is also waaaaay beyond what I signed up for when agreeing to get up with the kids. Therefore, to prevent any more damage and destruction as both Hailey AND Dakota would love to help with, I got all three kids into their respective seats and placed their breakfast before them as a distraction. I ignored the disarray long enough to make myself a cup of tea. Less than 45 minutes after I had left our bedroom, I returned once again, waking my dear husband from his slumber.

"As a public service to you, and your investments," I announced to him calmly, "I am offering you the opportunity to go and clean up the result of your error in judgement before I get the girls out of their highchairs, and preferably before they start throwing soggy cereal at your pretty display of Magic cards."

So up he got, quite quickly I might add, dashing to the kitchen in his boxers to hastily gather together his Magic 'the gathering' cards before any more dastardly harm could befall them. As for me, as I sip my tea in the comfort of our quiet bedroom, in front of this computer, well I believe the morning has gone quite nicely so far!

Parents who Fail on Purpose

I totally understand becoming a parent by accident, as it is quite easy to end up pregnant for some people. However once you have that little bundle in your arms, or even as a little bun in your oven, you are supposed to be responsible for it. I don't care by what means it took to conceive, whether it was a few seconds or a few years, you become a parent the moment you (or your partner) become pregnant. THAT is fact. Another fact though, is that many parents are failing their children, and some are failing on purpose. Those who choose to continue any of the following while pregnant, for example: smoking, drinking, drugs. Then there are those who continue their selfish lifestyles AFTER the baby is born. There was a case in Vancouver recently, of a man who went out for a night of drinking in a local pub. The waitress overheard him say to his drinking buddies: "Just a sec I gotta go check on my kids." The worried server tipped off the police, and they followed the bar patron back to his vehicle where they found two children, 2yrs old and 4months old, strapped in their car seats. Not only were they in distress because they were trapped in a locked car on one of our hottest days this summer, but at some point, after being out drinking, it was evident that this man intended to drive the kids home in his intoxicated state!

My other example is a little closer to home for me, as it is the failure of a mother who at one point I considered a very close friend. By all accounts she seemed like a great success as a single mother to her young son. Being that he was so close in age to my own son, the four of us spent a lot of time together, I even provided daycare for her when she needed it. Then, when our boys were 2 1/2 yrs old, she met a man. Within a few short months, she moved in with him, stopped talking to most of her friends and her family, and cut her little boy off from all the people who loved him. About 3 months after that, her son was apprehended by the ministry of children and families in Canada, and both the mother and boyfriend were charged with child abuse. I will not go into the details of the abuse, as they are painful and heart wrenching, and not at all the point of my re-telling. The point, is that while her son is now in the custody of his loving grandmother, this 'mother' has chosen to remain with her boyfriend. She has chosen a man she's been with less than two years, over her own baby. How do people who have brought innocent children into this world keep making such SELFISH choices? The very idea of it makes me sick.

My three children are the brightest lights in my life, and they have been that since I got that positive little sign on the pregnancy test. I am by no means a perfect parent, I don't believe any exist. However I would never willingly fail my children on purpose. I also refuse to associate with anyone who would so callously handle their own children in such a way as to put them in harm's way. I also firmly believe there should be MUCH harsher punishments doled out for such failing parents. One has to wonder the conversations that could take place between parent and child later on down the road... "Hey Mom, why'd you beat on me and abandon me when I was a kid?"

Depression Sucks

So this is my new blog, and instead of introducing myself and being all nicey-nice, I thought I'd just get right to what this blog is for me. Its my opinion. Or opinions I guess. I am going to blog about the things that matter most to me. Now in the ordinary world, those things would be my kids, however, being a rather well-rounded individual, they are not the only things I have to talk about! Since my day to day life has to revolve around them, being that they are two toddlers and an almost 5 yr old, my blog is going to go deeper than that. How deep, you might ask. Well, how about depression, for my first topic?

I was recently very sickened by some comments on my parenting message board, toward a news report of someone with depression. This person was threatning to jump off a bridge, and because he was holding up traffic, an enraged driver pushed him off. That story is bad enough, but to have someone else say 'good for him for pushing him', I'm sorry but that is just plain awful.

Depression isnt something anyone WANTS to get. Its not something like a fad, or a trend that people willingly adopt. Those who are lucky enough to have never experienced it, can not ever truly comprehend the actions of those who do suffer from it. Depression doesnt discriminate by age, by sex, by race, or by religion. It can worm its way into the mind of just about anyone, all it needs is a seed of insecurity, watered by the right circumstances, and there you go. Another problem is, that once it establishes itself, it never ever intends to leave. Sure there are therapies out there to combat it, to lull it into unconciousness, but it never truly does ever leave for good. This is why belittling the threat of suicide is so wrong. Especially on a public message board. You dont know who has it, who has overcome it, or who has lost someone to it. Depression's most painful faces are the ones who couldnt beat it. The ones who kept their struggle so silent that even their closest companions had no idea until it was too late.

I have a small inclination of what those last moments feel like, as depression has driven me many times to do things that could be potentially fatal. As hard as I've tried to drown it out, even moving across Canada, it kept worming its way back into my brain, feeding off my every insecurity. However as you can tell by my blog today, I have not yet given up the fight. On the contrary, I have been winning for several years now, thanks in part to my loving family and friends. Those closest to me understand some of my demons, and have helped me successfully control them. But then there are those message board comments. Those callous few who act like depression is some sort of excuse to cover purposely self-destructive behaviour. It. Is. Not. It is about as voluntary as a root-canal or amputation.

So the next time there's a story about someone so obviously depressed, I really hope there is a tad bit better showing of compassion. There is nothing funny about mental illness, and I still cant believe there are people who are so ignorant as to make light of it!